Friday, November 7, 2014

Needs Surpass the Past

In my job, there seems days that it is all hustle and bustle and little time for just me then there are "lulls" where you find things to do to keep you busy.  Yesterday, I had a "lull" time and since I was so close - I went to see my folks.  I had to go to their county to work a little on a case - and could make my phone calls from their kitchen.

When I got there, there was the usual greetings.  I sat down on the little love seat - next to my mom's chair.  I put my hand on the arm of her chair.  She put her hand over mine and asked, "Who are you?"  I could have said anything, instead, I said, "I'm LinMarie."  She responded with closed eyes. Her lips trembled. They were swollen.  The caregiver had put some vaseline on them.   She didn't look well.  She has full blown Alzheimer's.

The last few years, I have come to grips with my youth.  The things I know that vividly took place, the actions or lack there of at times that I know were real, the feelings of not being wanted, the fears of a child, the things that I know were cruelty.  When I saw her at my nephew's graduation, none of that mattered any more.

I felt bad that I haven't been there for her; that I've missed out on family events.  I no longer hate what happened to me.  In fact, if not for my past and the way I was treated - I wouldn't be as good at my job as I am, I don't think.

I saw a frail, helpless person - who used to be an active gardener, sewer, embroiderer, quilter, mother, caregiver.  If anyone needed her - she was there.  She needs now, and her siblings do not come.  "We want to remember her as she was."  We all do.  One sibling wanted to "discuss" her with my brother.  I told him, "that's none of her business."

My dad still has her at home.  She has caregivers.  And, she has everything she needs.  She is well taken care of.  It is a sad debilitating disease.

I forgive.  And, I will be there in the end.  If not so much for her, for my dad, my brother and my nephew.  We all will need each other - each for our own reasons.  And, until then, I am going to make sure to get home at least once a week - 2.5 hours isn't around the corner - and perhaps - in her own mind - she will know I am there - and all is well in the end.
The End of 2012

It seems forever since I wrote on this blog.  Shame on me - right?  So many things seemed to have happened this year - some good - some not so good.

I was blessed to be able to publish two children's books this year.  The Four Little Kittens and Annabelle's Vacation With Grandma Hayley.  The third book is at publisher's now, Timmy Goes To The Farm.  Next year I am really wanting to get out some of my true crime books.  These are based on my cases and those that actually went to trial.  With each book (children's or true crime), there is an original quilt pattern in the back.  Many times I "doodle" in court.  My "doodles" become quilts.

I was also blessed to license Larry Linscombe to my agents in the PI business.  His expertise and ability to make up brochures and do computer work - well - I'm blessed and thankful.

The year has been full of ups and downs.  About the time I would get started on working on the Langham House, something would happen to take me from the work.  I was fortunate to be on the Historical Landmark Commission of Beaumont, Texas.  I love seeing the projects come to life and I love being able to help preserve the history of Beaumont.

There were words from someone who was supposedly my friend - that tore me up for a while.  I was told things about myself - through her eyes - that made me examine who I really am/was.  I came to the conclusion that I like who I am and her words were nothing more than measuring me by her own yardstick.  She later used other classmates by po-mouthing to get money and a hot water heater for him trailer.  That's on her.

I lost a sweet cousin this year to emphysema.  Donny and his brother Wayne were two of my favorite cousins.  Ironies:  I was in Mexico when Donny's wife died, I was there when he died.  Both brothers died at the age of 66.

There have been financial woes as I lost a $3,000/mo income and I've been trying to find a substitute for it.  We are surviving - and will not complain.

It has been another year without seeing my grandson or being a part of his life.  I've asked his mother to go to mediation so that I will finally know WHY I cannot see my grandson.  She refuses to respond.  Mitchell turned 11 today.  Eleven years I have missed out on his laughter, illnesses, good and bad times.  I feel cheated.  I feel my son and his wife are cruel to keep me from him - and I know neither was raised to be cruel.  I continue to pray - because I know that God can take a stone-cold-heart and turn it into kindness.

I have 2 payments left on both of my vehicles!  Thank you Jesus - they are almost paid for!

Someone may ask, why are you sharing your woes with us?  I share, because I know that each of us has heartache and discontent and things just sometimes don't seem to go the way that we had planned.  I want you to know that even though my life isn't going the way I had it planned - I DO KNOW that it is going according to God's will.  I am learning to THANK HIM during the trials because I know he is building me and molding me to something very special and very great.  He is preparing my path for continued success.  He knew me when I was still in my mother's womb.  He knew the path he had for me.  Who am I to argue?

For prayer for us all for 2013, is Lord humble us to be Your servants, Thank you for your goodness and kindness, teach us to be calm in the storms of life, and may we all have a healthy happy and prosperous New Year.  God bless each and everyone of you!  With love, lmg