Needs Surpass the Past

In my job, there seems days that it is all hustle and bustle and little time for just me then there are "lulls" where you find things to do to keep you busy.  Yesterday, I had a "lull" time and since I was so close - I went to see my folks.  I had to go to their county to work a little on a case - and could make my phone calls from their kitchen.

When I got there, there was the usual greetings.  I sat down on the little love seat - next to my mom's chair.  I put my hand on the arm of her chair.  She put her hand over mine and asked, "Who are you?"  I could have said anything, instead, I said, "I'm LinMarie."  She responded with closed eyes. Her lips trembled. They were swollen.  The caregiver had put some vaseline on them.   She didn't look well.  She has full blown Alzheimer's.

The last few years, I have come to grips with my youth.  The things I know that vividly took place, the actions or lack there of at times that I know were real, the feelings of not being wanted, the fears of a child, the things that I know were cruelty.  When I saw her at my nephew's graduation, none of that mattered any more.

I felt bad that I haven't been there for her; that I've missed out on family events.  I no longer hate what happened to me.  In fact, if not for my past and the way I was treated - I wouldn't be as good at my job as I am, I don't think.

I saw a frail, helpless person - who used to be an active gardener, sewer, embroiderer, quilter, mother, caregiver.  If anyone needed her - she was there.  She needs now, and her siblings do not come.  "We want to remember her as she was."  We all do.  One sibling wanted to "discuss" her with my brother.  I told him, "that's none of her business."

My dad still has her at home.  She has caregivers.  And, she has everything she needs.  She is well taken care of.  It is a sad debilitating disease.

I forgive.  And, I will be there in the end.  If not so much for her, for my dad, my brother and my nephew.  We all will need each other - each for our own reasons.  And, until then, I am going to make sure to get home at least once a week - 2.5 hours isn't around the corner - and perhaps - in her own mind - she will know I am there - and all is well in the end.