The Abused

The Abused – Cleaning Up the Mess

Many times the abused will hide from family. They will be withdrawn. They will tell people who asks how things are, “we’re fine.” They are afraid to tell anyone what is truly going on behind closed doors. They wear long sleeves in the summer time to cover the bruises on their arms. They wear long pants or skirts to cover the bruises on their legs. They wear their hair long to cover the bruises of hand marks from around the neck or the back.

They want to leave. They are afraid to leave. They are afraid to make that initial jump. Fear. It’s a powerful thing. There is something that will conquer the fear – it is faith.

If someone is attempting to help the abused, the cycle has to be broken in some way. The abused cannot be allowed to whine, “I really want out”, yet, do nothing towards getting themselves out of the situation. If the abused is not making an effort to pack, get her things in order, to walk away, there is nothing anyone can truly do because the abused will just go back for more.

They’ve learned to live in it. It’s a way of life. They fear money problems. They fear they won’t make it on their own, especially if they have small children. Many fear because they will not be making enough money to support themselves and the children that the abuser will get custody of the children. Many fear the aftermath of what the abuser will do to them once they are gone. Will he come after me? Will he kill me? Will he hurt my children?

The abused has to break the chains that bind them. They have to work harder than most. They have to develop healthy learned behaviors. It’s basically like teaching yourself to walk again.

I have a dear friend, which I finally got to visit not long ago. Her marriage has been dead for a very long time. She’s stayed with the abuser for the children’s sake, for one, and because she had been screamed at from the pulpit that she would go to hell if she wasn’t a submissive, obedient wife and of course, divorce was out of the question.

She got a taste of happiness, joy, and freedom from oppression. There wasn’t anyone telling her negative things. People were complimentary and supportive. She saw there is truly another life. She saw a life she wants.

Getting her to break her chains has been difficult. She wants to leave; she is going to leave, but the “what ifs” keep spewing from her mouth. Finally last night I asked her, “you believe in God?”

“Of course”

“You gave this problem to God and He has answered your prayers with an out, right?”

“Yes with all my heart I believe that.”

“Then WHY are you talking out of both sides of your mouth and worrying about the little things, instead of letting God open the doors for you? Don’t you think He wants better for you than what you are living? Why aren’t you sticking to the plan and working it from your end?”

“Yes, you are right. I promise I will do it.”

I don’t want her to tell me I am right. I want her to be right. I want her to show me that she wants out. God and friends will be there to help an abused, but somewhere along the line, the abused has to help by preparing and doing for themselves even if it’s just getting their paperwork together, if it is possible. (Car titles, insurance papers, birth certificates, income tax information, etc.)

The abused has to read and study. They’ve got to renew their faith in themselves. They have to rebuild that self-esteem. They’ve got to develop the attitude “Yes I Can” do anything that God decides is right for me! I have those three simple words embroidered in a frame hanging in my office. It’s a reminder of where I’ve been and where I’m going

I think if we find a scripture that befits our needs, recite it everyday, cling to it, it will make us strong. Philippians 4:13 is my favorite scripture, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Getting over my abusive past – not just from failed marriages – but from childhood as well, has been a journey. It’s a journey that is still on going. I learn more about myself everyday. I pray, if you are in an abusive situation, that you will begin your journey to freedom. Do not look back. It’s forward ever, backward never. The path may not always be easy, but it’s a lot better than living in an abusive relationship.

When we drive out of her driveway, all she is going to see in her rear view mirror is a big white cargo van pushing her home. I know she is going to blossom and be a thing of beauty. It may take her a while, but, time is on our side, and at least, she will be alive to share God’s blessings that He has in store for her.