The Abuser - Part I of a Series

The Abuser - Part I of a Series

Once upon a time about twenty years ago, I was married to a man named Anthony. Anthony was every girl’s dream of the knight in shining armor. He came into my life when I needed someone to make me feel special. After dating for almost a year, we married. That courtship and dating, to this day was a dream. It was the most wonderful time of my life. I believed I laughed more during that time – smiled so much that the muscles in my face hurt. I could have written the world's greatest love story.

The wedding was small, a family affair. I had previously been married and didn’t want any thrills and pomp. Just his family and whoever in mine could make it. There was the ceremony, a pachanga (party) afterwards with fajitas, tacos, brisket, and all the trimmings. It was much more than I could have asked for.

A week after the wedding, Anthony didn’t come home from work. I called everyone I knew asking about him. His family said they didn’t know anything, which I knew was a lie.

A week later, Anthony came home – drunk, reeking of liquor and high on crack cocaine. HOW on earth had I missed the sign? How did I not see he was on crack?

I took my first beating that day for asking where he’d been and blowing up over the drugs. Drugs was something we had discussed many times and he knew – he knew – that I was adamantly against drugs of any sort. He knew I didn’t want it around me in any manner.

I felt I had made so many mistakes in my life that I just couldn’t face anyone that I’d made another mistake. I tried to talk to family about it. “Oh maybe it’s your imagination, you married him you better stay.”

After another beating, I went to the Sheriff. He said, “That’s the way it is in the valley, if you don’t like it, get out.” I realized without a job, without money, without anyone to help me, I was stuck in a no win situation.

Months passed. Each time my family would visit I felt refreshed. When they left I was deflated. I also had to endure questions if I had told them anything – meaning had I told them of his behavior. I would swear no, but he didn’t believe me.

One night, I got up and went to the bathroom – I got on my knees and prayed for God to guide me – to show me a way to a better life – and if I could survive the move I would never allow another individual to go through what I’d been through.

God heard that prayer. I was assisted in and out of a cab by the driver, I was too beat to move much on my own. I was assisted on to a plane which took me back to familiar territory. I wasn’t welcomed home by family. I had friends who helped me. Garry was accused of being my lover and that was very far from the truth. Cindy brought me blankets to keep warm, Kathy offered me love, a listening ear. Others helped as well. I got strong. I got a job. I made it in life. I studied battered women, I read every book I could get my hands on, I studied the batterer, I studied behavioral patterns and I prayed. I refused to allow this to ever happen to me or someone I loved, ever again.

I believe that a person’s passed, makes them what they are today. Through my experiences, I have been able to assist others – working in Women’s Shelters, acting as an expert in Murder trials of those who have been battered, of counseling clients – letting them realize that the abuser was just that – and it wasn’t always anything that they did or didn’t do, I’ve been so blessed in my journey – so much so that I wouldn’t take away the pains and hurts and tears I had – because it made me strong and who I am today.

God says we are to rejoice even in the turbulent times. I wasn’t rejoicing too much back then – in all honesty – but I rejoice today as the victor of a battle. I will rejoice in helping anyone get out of a bad relationship. I will rejoice even for the difficult times they are going through.

Rejoice. That’s a strange word when things are tough. Jesus said, “Cast all your burdens on me…” I think that if we did that more often than trying to carry them on our own shoulders life just may be a little easier for us.

I’m praying earnestly today for any individual who is in a bad relationship. I’m praying they will find the courage and strength to get out, before it is too late. I’m praying that they, too, will grow from the negative – to take those limes and turn it into limeade – to take the scraps of their lives and make a quilt to wrap themselves up in. And in the end, let them rejoice and be victorious.

Pass a good one.